it is my birthday…

originally published 9/6/2024

today i am be 21. at midnight I will have been legally allowed to enter any building marked with that three letter word. i don't have to worry about a bouncer's mood or a 'mature' outfit, the world is at my fingertips. i'll know things about life and how to act because i'll finally be an adult. yes the legal adult age in america is 18, but that age is still marked by the immaturity of the teenage era. i never did anything. like most kids i acted too mature for my age. unlike most kids, i was acting 35. 'wise beyond your years' was the defining compliment my mother bestowed upon me, and i've been called an old soul since i could spell 'old soul.' i was a tattle tale, i got along with adults better than my peers, i waited for the sweet release of adulthood. in my eyes adults were the free ones; adults know things and adults can drive to places that they can go to with their own adult money. i forgot one crucial element to this adulthood that i dreamed of: adults know things because they've done things. i spent my days of adolescence watching shows about journalists and adventurous women, longing for those days i saw on my screen. i've always wanted to be a journalist, which i realize now i'm fortunate to have known for as long as i have. but now, standing at the cusp of a new era in adulthood, all i want to be is young. i want time to stand still so i can sink into this newfound knowledge that i am the source of my power and waiting for the universe to take over while i'm in my prime is a waste.

this is the first time in a long time i don't feel the weight of someone else's thoughts about me pulling my shoulders into a concave. life is super fun right now. lately i've been learning things from my friends that everyone else learned a long time ago. they've been slowly learning over the course of our friendship that i missed a few steps on the unspoken checklist of life. it's odd having to teach new friends who you are. sometimes they learn things over time, like your sense of humor or stories that slip into a conversation, but there are some things i wish i could teach them. like a syllabus of my life i would teach them about the chapters and turning points i've encountered. and i want them to do the same! this is the first age that has a feeling in a long time. maybe that's why i still feel like i have to prove that i deserve to take up carbon. do i though? i remember the last time i did feel like that, and lots of things have changed since then. i don't feel wise and i still feel out of touch from my age, though i'm getting better. but i no longer feel like i don't belong anywhere i want to be.

when i was young i didn't do anything, but there was this bar i always passed by. i looked through the windows from the safe distance of the street. the people inside always looked so lively, socializing in an almost choreographed fashion. i told all my friends how badly i wanted to go inside as a subconscious motivation to actually make a move, but it never worked. i blamed my less than ideal circumstances while putting on an exaggerated rebellion i imagined true. one by one my friends made their way in the bar but i stayed stuck on the sidewalk. then i got to college, slowly i made friends that snuck me into the bar and to my dismay, it wasn't as fun as i thought. i didn't know anymore than i did outside the walls simply because i was inside. and everyone was speaking this secret bar language that sounded like gibberish to me. it was scary and gross and i've never felt more alone, but somehow through this people still thought i belonged at the bar. over time, and more exposure, i've come to realize that no one belongs at the bar. they simply go in or don't. the only difference is how much you think you belong at the bar. if only i'd realized that sooner. i'm 21 now. i'm allowed to be at this bar.

in case you didn't catch that my life is the bar. i've been waiting for someone to let me in so my life can get started. but all i had to do was...walk in.

act like you’ve been here before!

i think freedom is the wrong word to describe the magic of youth. though there is something free about it, a blissful ignorance feels more accurate to me. you can't do anything, but what you can do is new, and exciting, and fun to figure out. to be both knowing and unknowing is an electric feeling. people say that youth slips by, maybe because you're learning lessons that you don't know are lessons when they're happening; you have to get busy living because either way it will slip by in a haze. the choice is yours to make it a fun, gruesome, vibrant haze or a plain one. naive, innocent, oblivious, but free? i just don't see it. now a new kind of world is at my disposal. the day i've been waiting for has finally arrived. will i feel different? will i suddenly know new things? will people sense that i've become enlightened to the tribulations of finding my place in the world in early adulthood? will i suddenly like beer? maybe, no, girl what, probably not. i don't know what's in store for me yet, but i can't fucking wait to find out.

xoxo